Can one face something that so exceedingly shake him? Is it then, stupidity to voluntarily face that which one is so terrified of? I ...I dare say, it is now. Diffidence is a permanent weakness on my part. How is it possible for one to ever actively engage in a discourse with strangers? How is it possible, without..the constant throbbing of the veins, fastened palpitation of the heart and consistent self-demeaning thoughts, occasionally mumbling embarrassing comments that ought to not have been spoken at all?
I..just thought I could face it. I just thought...I will get over it. I just thought..it was a thing of the past. It is not.
I still fear.
I fear for tomorrow, and the day after, and the day after. This week- I wonder if I can make it without filling the nights with tears. I wonder if I can tell myself what they have told me to tell myself last November- "Hey, I am not useless." I doubt it now. The people are different. The atmosphere is different. Everything will be different.
I ...hope it will be over soon.,,
so that I no longer feel intimidated..
so that those tears will no longer grace my eyes.
Why does this happen to me all the time?
..To be so scared of...people.
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