quarter life crisis

You asked me twice, if I regretted it. I said, no. Both times. And here I am, more than 5 years later, rethinking it. Isn't it funny how things turn out? How feelings turn out? They say life is so uncertain... When I was younger, I used to dream and wish for you...when I was so much younger, I thought that some things, were impossible, for example, you. And yet, we happened. The younger me would chastise that person for letting a dream go away, and perhaps now, the older me, is feeling the same? We planned many things, but more importantly, our future. You said you will marry me in 5 years then - I wonder if I would have been married 2 years by now if I made a different decision. I think it will go away. This feeling. It is funny, the second time, it was this feeling too. Like, I needed you to be mine suddenly. And I was sure. Yet I let you go again. And I can't even remember why? Do you regret leaving me, you asked? Now, I am not so sure.

rule by people

I have watched him grow

he strangled me today 

and punched me in the ribs 

how painful must it be for those people

whose deaths we mourn 

whose pains we will never experience 

barely of age 

and sometimes too old 

still never of any age 

to justify their torture 

how their skin must feel 

how they must feel

betrayal

 What would you do, in such a position, as I am right now, where everything you have believed in, at least about you, everything you were confident about, came crumbling to the ground? 

You may think, 'I have sinned, greatly, against the one who created me.'

I, too, have sinned. And for that sin, He will punish me. He had punished me, through you. 

I have always had faith, that it will be as I dreamt, you and me, and the future. So I loved you as I have, body, heart and soul, and in so doing, lost a part of myself. To think, I had not known it until you discarded it, and I began to miss what was me. That missing, I cannot function. 

Every morning, I will relive that day, I relive that thought. I imagine the worst. I imagine the truth. And every morning, it grips my whole being with dread, it wrings my heart with pain, and it tortures me with regret. 

Regret? Perhaps, that was mine to have. Not for what you did, but for what I did. 

What you did, you bear your guilt alone. I cannot partake in what I am not guilty of. 

Doubts set in - Have you ever live your whole life in doubt? I have not, and now I see how unsettling, how torturous it is to do so. Doubts,,, do I even know who you are anymore? I think not. 

I think of our past, our beautiful past. Our colourful memories. That time in which I have so much hope and dreams. I think of it, and again, it brings me pain. What is left of it, is grey, and ugly. 

There is nothing to be done now. 

I must pick myself up and go on my way; 

and if you should be sincere, you'd still be behind me. 

Because He will fight for me, and I will hold my peace.

I am not saying you do not have the right to say what you just said to me - but those words, did you think before uttering them? Did it go through your mind that perhaps I do have my fair share of concerns too? For this dysfunctional unit that you have created and claimed to keep it together.

Yeah, you created it.
You did not have to, you know?
What gives you the right to choose what you have chosen?

And I live for myself? Did you just assume that? Did you assume that I enjoy what I do, what I am doing right now? Did you think I chose what I want to do because I enjoy it, because I want to fulfill my dreams, because ultimately, I love myself and hence, I live for myself? Didn't you assume all that? And on what basis?

Why do you even assume that I want to live?

Don't I know the burden you are carrying - the burden you chose to carry - don't I care? You grouped me under 'those who doesn't care about what [you] do' for them but did you even think about what they - I - do and feel?

Did you think about it when you left?

In the end, does it make you feel good - you doing what you claimed you love to do but throwing your emotional burden on the ones who love you? Does it make you feel good? Does it make you feel good that you are helping people at the expense of hurting those who care about you most?

You said you are doing what you love - then why do you have so much dissatisfaction with our situation - the one you brought us into?

Have I ever blamed you for it? I have always been behind you. I have always been supportive. Even when she wasn't, I have always stood by you.

You said that you have been doing it for us for your whole life - really? And what have I been doing? Whatever I have done since I became aware of life, who do you think I have been doing it for? And you can say, I don't care?

Like daggers. Do you know that? Like knives. Because you and them - those are all I live for,,for my whole life and you could utter that accusation.

You wore and left me to stitch back the tears you caused but I am willing and have been doing so - and did you think I was happy doing it? Why build a unit if you are going to destroy it and left me to keep everything together?

I made no complaints because I know the burden on you and I tried my best not to add any more to that pile. But you wouldn't know, do you? Whatever I do, it is not enough for you. I guess you are too busy with the burdens in your own shoes to care about wearing others.

I am not enjoying what I do, I am not doing this because I enjoy it. I made choices based on what would be best for you - and them. My whole life - I have never stopped considering. My purpose. So I am not enjoying what I do, I am not doing it for myself, but I am content because I thought it would be worth it.. I really hate what I am doing, to be honest.

love myself too much huh? for that opportunity

Wow I am grateful but wow I am also tired.

And live for myself?

I don't even have the will to live.

Detached

I think I might be way past that attachment, to feel a loss. I think one should take it as it comes, even take it for granted for the things one can enjoy at present, but there is a difference in losing a golden necklace as compared to one with just a cheap string, isn't it?

It it about the value - you enjoy it either way - but some are hardly material.

Pyaw ya yin, toeto nl br mhr ma pyit yin, do akyaung a myo myo kyaunt bhr mha ma pyit naing yin - thu ko ma yone naing thay bu - thu ka ll ma kan chin bu - bhr mha kyi kyi mhr mhr ma hti kite bu lo pyaw dr pr. Pyaw ya yin, dr phyit ket bu dr bl, br htoo char lo ll? Pi tot, ya fri tway pyaw tha lo, yu pho kant mhan pay ml lo, a khu hti tot ma yint kyat thay det ayote kaung lay ta yout lo br bl. 

severed

In the end, it was you.
your conscious decision
like a doctor, like a gardener
I felt it when I first saw you too
and even when you said, 'hey listen,..
we're going to be best..' and I played it in my head over and over
now- it's almost funny how time, and you, made a mockery
of me and played ever so delicately with each string
and found a useless shell of a tool
threw it back to the sea with no company in its own misery
each call, each message, each meal, all the memories they sting
-smile at me and say I am a fool

X came last summer, unexpected and left this summer
as expected amidst my fears
X called and said 'hey, I haven't talked to you in so long'
we spoke and never did again
X used to tell me about everything that was a bummer
couldn't be bothered now; someone please tell me it is not worth my tears
X made me feel like I belong
now on a clear day, I am a drop of rain

//
Am I glad it was earlier so the pain would be greater? but wow does it hurt when you sat there as I stood facing the back of your white tee.
finis

And remember.

"Did you receive my email?"
I think that was what you asked that February, almost at the end.

I reckon I was a bit too happy then, that you made an effort - to respond, to ensure. I reckon I was happy with everything else too. Someone told me that I was too easily satisfied, too easily impressed, too easily happy, by everything you did, every word you said. That same someone told me to write to you. But I could not, could I? Who am I that you should pay attention? Who am I that you should bother to be civil? Who am I that you should care? I think that may be why I am too easily content. Content with hoping without hope. I learnt many things from many people. Many things about you, I admit. And I can't help hoping that one day, I would be able to do so from you, yourself. It is going to be almost 4 years, how time flies. And I am still stuck where you left. In that time loop. Replaying everything over and over. What is that to someone half the world across?

And it wasn't even anything much. ha.
Only a look, a tap, sometimes a smile, occasionally a lecture.
Twice a brush, a walk.

I wrote that in some years I will recall those memories and laugh at their insignificance.I hope it will be soon. I am far from laughter. A friend told me that intoxicated, she poured out her feelings, to the wrong person, but to the subject of the conversation. I think I may have cracked a smile at the simplicity of it all, and wished I was not too conscious a person. Perhaps, one day I will have the courage, and the confidence. Perhaps it will already have been too late by then. Perhaps it is already too late now. Perhaps, it was never even a realistic possibility. I would like to know, but how could I? So maybe then, keep being elusive a character, keep running.
Run.
Run, you, clever boy..

Petra

I feel you're too cruel, too unfeeling, too frightening. Am I too bold? Too pathetic? Certainly, I agree I must be pathetic. Bold, I wish I was. Or shall I say, bolder? Am I discerning enough to know I have been, like a speck of dust, in your immense universe of the stars, the planets, and the moons? But foolish enough to risk baring my soul to you? I only wish it could stop, feelings should stop existing in forms of you. And where is Reason? 

It beats.

And it aches, for the ones who fought to see the light, for the ones who fought, for the ones who struggled, for the ones who tried.

It aches, for the mother who gave life, only to witness it slipped away too soon, for the lover for whom the vows lost their place, for the children- precious children- I can't go on

2 miles apart, I barely know you. In fact, I didn't at all. I wish I still didn't. If this didn't happen, I wouldn't, would I? I wish I didn't. Not in the way I know now. It is too harsh, too unexpected, too like the sudden storm, I detest them all - the beasts who thought extinguishing a flame which another has lighted with affection was justifiable, and the monsters who shamelessly claim your glory for themselves. Utterly disgraceful, and conceited.

I can't read it.

The only spot you should sit is next to me, you wrote.

True, I talk of dreams,

Which are the children of an idle brain,
begot of nothing but vain fantasy,
which is as thin of substance as the air
and more inconstant than the wind, who woos
Even now the frozen bosom of the north,
And being angered, puffs away from thence, 

Turning his face to the dew-dropping south, 

- Romeo and Juliet (Act 1, Scene 4)

The call

A person called and asked if I was in the country, and I said yes, but who are you?
The person told me a name I couldn't recognise among my acquaintances but a small part (actually, a big part) of me wished it has been P---- instead of C----, and then I realised the foolishness of my imagination and have to end the call because I am rather susceptible to that accent, and I would have gone on imagining, eh?

but then that compels me to take up my pen again, and I suppose I should be thankful?

A hood no longer binding

Go back to where you came from,

Crawl back into the realm of nothingness and immorality, to the darkness and beyond, we have no need of you and your serpent tongue. Deceit is your asset, inspired by narcissism and self-adoration, gratitude does not reside in your abhorrent mind, neither does the truth in your heart. Your glibful tongue, your scheming mind, a testimony against you. Crawl back to where you came from. The sooner, the better. For the sake of everyone (not that you'd care), do humanity at least one favour. 

corrupted

in silence we sat at the edge

of the night, waiting for the Sun 

no moon, just an outline of your 

shrinking figure, and it was there 

'the world is so alone,' you mused

and watched the prophesy fulfilled

in silence you sat alone, 

and lose yourself in thoughts 

jeopardising, you wondered if you're

still sane, and it was there

'the world is so alone,' you mused

and found company

No longer silent, the serpent whispered

vile and corrupt, things of the world

to you, sheltered child, and your

senses now twisted, it was there

'the would is so alone,' you mused

and he mused with you.

Will you sit in silence again?

and implore me to sit with you

as if the Sun may never come up. your 

skewed perception of 'being there'

'the world is so alone,' as you will muse

and air dirty linen out

Lone souls

It's a painful thing to live and exist, in the crowd full of extraordinares.

The warriors shaken, the vase is broken 

We keep falling into the enemy's snares 

like a cassette tape, that lost its memory

Tragedy keeps on playing over and over 

we lost that spirit of 'dance and be merry' 

And for Narcissus now do we labour 

Twentieth

It is the twentieth and hurrah, a new year. 

Was it a month ago or today? I can't seem to remember but I shouldn't be that obsessed to remember such things. Still it burns my cheeks to remember what I did the last time, and whether you remember, that naught was spoken except your inquiry. It is such a shameful thing to do and I realised the foolishness of it only after you broke the silence and jolted my consciousness awake. I would have said something, I would have waited to say something, or I would have waited for you to get frustrated and even chide me from the other end. I would have, but I couldn't bear myself to accept rejection in adamant retaliation about professionalism and the like. And tis a shameful thing to have even been done. 

And when I hastened away, what I forgot to say, was all I have to say.

Hello, Happy birthday. 

Is that inherent, or nurtured - the art or, lack thereof, of having no conscience or empathy, embedded in narcissism and self-pity?

Absolutely revolting.

10/5/16 and I'm still thinking

When I see you, 

If I see you, 

I think I'll run and hide, 

And try to forget that I still think 

Of improbable possibilities a year 

After you left and you 

No longer remember or know 

Who it was that slid a silly poem (or two)

Who it was that you deceived with your smile and a little nod 

Who it was that you do not care for 

But if I see you, if I see you, 

I think I'd forget to breathe 

I'd turn crimson and my cheeks will burn 

And perhaps croak out a hello

When will I see you? 

Possibly never. 

Noel

I can't find a reason to mend this anymore. I told her, "I can't believe it has come to this."  She said, "I saw it coming." And we talked and he shouted and all I hear was, "Shut up!" 

It was just another crack widening that which was already present. How much more till everything, everyone, falls apart? 

You never fail, do you, to make me feel pathetically inadequate.

I love him with all my heart

A lot of things have happened over the past month(s) which were not what was expected and it kills me inside. It is still killing me to see people torn, the refuge of my life on the brink of collapse, overwhelmed by pride and ego. Why are you all doing this to yourself and everyone else? 

You. You preach love, but you put pride above it. You. You love what you do and you do what you love and told us what you love to do is fine as long as others are not harmed. But we are. We have been and I could not blame her because at that point in time, I can empathise with her. How she felt. It's betrayal and humiliation. And you were so scary. 

More scary than the monster you played when we were eight and you came back for a brief period. It was all fun and games until it is no longer fun now. You let yourself become a monster and I detest it a lot. 

I looked forward to seeing you home everyday and cried when you didn't because you couldn't because it was only for us. And I couldn't imagine how lonely your life must have been, and how much you must have struggled all your life, for the sake of others more than yourself and you do deserve to have a break but you didn't. And there are many things I am grateful for and even if I write them all, I don't think it would do you justice. 

That night I cried and cried and tears couldn't stop flowing out, and wouldn't stop flowing out because of how much of a changed person you are. We see less of each other now and you have changed so much and I couldn't recognise you sometimes, when you suddenly raise your voice. 

I know that you love us and I know that you care for us a lot and I don't know what else to say but I really love us to be together and would like for us to be together and not apart. 

No one is getting younger and we are all going to go someday but it breaks me to see her message that reminds us to take care of you and how much love you need from us, when the reality is that it's fabric that is slowly tearing apart and I don't know how to mend it. I really don't. 

Father in heaven, please hear me. I just want us to be lead by you, lead by love.